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Screams from my Bleeding Utrus

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love

The Season

The days continue to shoot out blank capsules and yet every morning I still put on my tattered bullet proof vest and tinted goggles. On Sunday in the place of my shields I wear a black velvet hat. In the event a bullet manages to slice through my heart I will tip my cap to its mother and say “nice try son but you can’t kill the dead”. I think about you, often but not because I want you back. I think about you because you impacted me and that impact was a defining moment in the end to this cycle I’ve been dragging my heart through.  I shut the door and when the door shut all that was left was a memory that seems to fade with the dark nights as spring creeps closer to the hemisphere. As my “year of healing” is coming to a close I’ve decided to fully cocoon myself in the cold winds of winter and wash away this cumbered young spirit inside its cleansing rain. When the colors of spring flood the sky’s and the earth warms our frozen feet, I will – fly unchained toward my bliss.

but for now I exist inside the winds of winters as the transformation continues. “BANG”- another day greets me.

– Jess

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To Love You

Her balance rested solely on the tip of her bony spine that pressed itself upon a scaly green wall. Once again she found herself inside the turtles shell. Hunched over like a mad gremlin she puffed on her candy cigarette as her heart barely moved in a dark corner across the smooth floor. She didn’t know exactly how she ended up here, all she knew was something must have gone terribly wrong. Exhausted and confused she sucked as hard as she could on her candy cigarette. The lumpy sugar journeyed down the back of her throat and coated the pit of her empty stomach. The repetition soothed her and the sugar was the only sensory pleasure that satisfied her in that perfect cheap guilty sort of way. She found tacky things delightful and when stringed together with feelings the ironic tune in birthed was the perfect symphony only she could find rhythm in. Bored with a bruised back she began to brainstorm. She looked to her mood ring for answers but it was gray, it was always gray. She paced across the room jumping up and down hoping her restless legs would die out but they didn’t break and she wasn’t able to keep up. Filled with frustration she kicked herself, spat on the ground and danced her way back to the dark corner.  She stared down at her twitching toes and asked in a whisper “where do you want me to go?”. They immediately jolted  forward as if being pulled by some magnetic force and she dragged behind. They took her across the room, then looped around in a counter clockwise circle and without warning they halted  in another very chilly corner of the dark room. Again with absolutely no warning,  her foot stomped the ground three times and bitter  blood splattered all over her face and onto her tongue. Underneath her foot was a naked heart all smashed up and nearly breathless. Emptiness filled her chest as she tucked her candy cigarette behind her ear and picked up the heart to cradle in her arms. “Don’t leave me again” it softly pleaded, words forever staining the back of her now conscious mind and  she collapsed.

……….. To be continued

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